Shameless

Well, aren't I a shameless coward. Forgive me, my somewhat loyal readers whom somehow increased as stated on my local view statistics, for you shall have to indulge unto another Fool's rant...I think that should be a segment or something.

So, why do I say such a thing to myself? Have I not condemned myself with already too much self-loathing upon all my imperfections, flaws and insecurities? NO! I still have soooo much more in store for this loathsome soul. Obviously those reading this may or may not know what I am talking about. If so, just refer to my past post...well, minus the reviews, that is.

I told my friends practically nothing about anything about what exactly I plan to pursue. I know i know, I actually stated before how I wanted to write. That is a genuine love for writing that I am not ashamed of. It's this STUPID, INSECURE, DAMN, PIG-HEADEDNESSS of mine that keeps fumbling on words I wish to say. I detest the fact that I can't give any straight answers without having to make an excuse for why I given the said answer in the first place. I mean, WHERE THE HELL IS THE CONFIDENCE, MAN!!! I thought growing up without no proper role model will at least adjust myself to independence. BUT NOOOOO. I still fumble on my words like a 7 year old learning his ABCs... And I can't help it. Can I? But how..or Why? (That is an even worse question to ask)...

I am a shame (You heard right. not ashamed). A shame who can't keep track of his life. Can't even enjoy living life. I don't even feel like i am living sometimes. It's just....numb... So stupid. so..so wasteful... Don't be alarm, I don't plan on killing myself, that's an even worse idea and wasteful as well as stupid, cowardly and some more stuff I wish to say but i think i'll end what i'm trying to mean. I just....UGH! I feel like i'm not living with all this.....I can't really describe it..doubt? I suppose..maybe...this burden on something of some sort...baaaah, I don't know.

I'm recklessly being careful and carefree on everything. I don't let anything show and I don't let anything get away. I stay silent when I want to talk. I talk, but words form into mild mumble and stammering of some word I could not cast out. This foolish mind of mine gets me more trouble than gain. But I can't part with it nor can I rid of it. I must find solace. TOOO much time I've wasted myself to selfish gain and superficial desires that I end up just losing myself over and over again. I lied too many times, make myself excuses to fit those lies..and to what end? How do i know if I'm not just lying to myself on all those time spent within my own psychological cage of a mind, trying to counsel myself on matters that lay before me. I have a say on the matter, but have I not have the right to act upon it.

Why do I always doubt if I feel confident on choosing it in the first place..no, that's human behavior. A sure act that leaves fear sitting quietly in the corner of your mind. I hate the feeling and I could actually change it. BUT I HAVE NOT. This is all just a ruse to set myself up so that I can catch that damn demon I call logic and than reveal the true mastermind behind all this stupid act of mine. I have told you before. I harbor a mask to everyone. I show you nothing but smiles, yet I hold back what I want to do out of fear. Out of concern. I....I write this every time I seen that flaw in hopes I can still counsel myself to taking steps out of this damn comfort zone. I know I need help, but words fail me when I need it the most. At times, I know what I need to do. A swift kick to my damn conscience for what is right and what is necessary. THIS madness has gone on far too long. I can't keep myself acting like I don't give a care in the world, that I'm just me.

BUT I'm hardly being the whole of me. I know there is another part still lay hidden soo damn deep inside i have to gouge it out of me for that coward to come out...

You have listen to my rant, which is probably the longest of my self-loathing post among all. I still have angst. Upon myself. Upon the world. Upon everyone I know. IF you are a person who knows me, then this is just a fair warning that That is who I am at the moment. Angry, yet shameless...foolish...and fake...