Dabbles and Pretty Rants

I wanted to do all I can to be who I planned to be, but plans rarely goes as...they plan..Ok, let me rephrase that.

All my life, I hear what people has to say and weight their words against mine. I would dissect each and every phrase, remember the tone of their speech, how they emphasize each letter trying to stress their point. These thing will play in my mind like a recorder trapped on replay, each time I remember, a new viewpoint opens, complicating my thought process like a badly-made troubleshoot program.

I would stay awake in bed, haunted my the echos of my opinion against theirs, waging a war I made myself only to be caught in a typhoon of never-ending complications. There is no one cure for this, but there is a way to divert those energy unto something else.

I never gave it much though, truth be told. This blog is a treasure trove of my deepest concerns and fears, but it's also my treatment when my mind has had enough of the bullshit regrets and indecisiveness known as my personality. My timid self outside these post can never muster it's true..wrath? No, wrath is too strong of a word. Confidence. Yes, my confidence is bottled up behind a glass known as fear, it's only salvation is when the bottled up confidence are released within these pages.

Now, while you're reading this, two thing may go through your mind. A) This kid is totally overdramatic; B) He's definitely trying to show-off his language skills (or lack of); and I'll throw in one more, C) You have no Idea what you're reading and were just browsing the web for no proper reason and ended up reading this blog post.

I don't blame you. As much self-analyzing I could do, I had never once tried to rid myself of this dramatize persona. Like I'm some sort of tragic hero trying to find a haven within the internet, away from reality. I guess that's another thing you could point at.

I know various things about myself that I show in front of my friends, siblings and strangers which all had the same though; What is wrong with this kid?

Nothing is truly wrong with me, to be perfectly honest. Other than low self-esteem, weak gums which leads to bad breath and slight insomnia, I'm actually pretty normal. I just chose to see the world in a different....darkness. I don't say light cause everyone is attracted to the light. You can see the world from different light, but it's just changing the level of brightness as it is in tv or on the monitor.

Would you dare to stare into darkness. It's pretty much asking yourself to fall into eternity. That is until your eyes start to get used to the darkness and you figure out that everyone is the same at the end. All blind at first and trying to get used to the dark or finding a way to escape it. No one ever say tells you that there's comfort in darkness. Well, maybe Batman or Nolan's Bane would go on about how they were born in darkness and yada yada...

But at the end of all this, you are all trying to find your light to escape. That's the plan anyway. SO you could bask in the light and strive towards to what you wanted to be; what you dreamed as a  kid that you'd sacrifice anything to stay within that pavilion.

I don't have that..yet. I'm just biding my time. For what, you may so ask (or not)? I don't know. But I guess that's the problem. I want to wait. Waiting is easy. I've been waiting 20 years for something and for the last 2 decades, things do happen, just not the way I'd imagine it to be. I want to anticipate the unexpected which is just too much of an effort to do. So, why wait? Why should I allow something to come to me? It should have been the other way around. Those who wait shall receive or something along those lines  can't do jack-shit on me.

I have to take a stand, make myself move on my own two feet and walk the mile to see the light at the end of this darkness. I have to find my own light.

If you read this far, congrats, you've been given a free life lesson by yours truly. If you haven't learn anything, that congrats anyway, you were able to kill some time so that you could go on with your life.

While you're doing that, I'll take my own advise and get on moving. My ass is starting to ache from all this sitting and my brain getting as dull as ripped-off movie titles.

This is Qirtz the Fool signing off.

P.s, If you're lost reading this post, don't be. To begin with, you've been reading through my train of thought, so it's not suppose to make sense. It's like a rant except prettied up with words and proper grammar..sort of.