Welp, here I am

You guysssssssss........ hi~
I know, I haven't been active for a while now. Like, what, almost a year?
Apologies, apologies. But y'all know how i am, here one moment, gone the next like a magician's parlour trick.
So, I'm sure you guys have been quite curious to why i've been absent.
Well......
I'm not gonna say. No, not this time. What y'all gonna be reading about ain't about what i've been through. No, it's what i've got in my mind. What this blog's original purpose.

So, listen.... Have you ever thought you don't deserve to achieve anything?
I do. i feel like i don't deserve this....life. Happiness and the likes. I don't believe I need all of this. It's like part of me is meant to suffer. I am consciously trying to sabotage myself. Why? I don' know.

Why would I do all of this? I just don't know. Shit. I feel like I... I want to hurt, I want depression and hopelessness. I want to suffer.

But I know I can't. Wait, that's not right. I shouldn't. I don't want to give in. Not to these thoughts. Not to these weakness'. I am capable. I know I am..

So, why does my mind, my will, feel like it needs to fail. I hate you.

I hate me.

So much self-loathing.And for what!?

Are you not suffering enough, me?

What more do you wish for?

Do you truly want suffering? To ravage yourself, to abuse yourself bare until nothing is left?

Do you want emptiness?

If you did, If I did wish for such things, I would not be here.

Welp, here I am. Still ranting, still searching. Still capable of hoping.

I won't back down, me. You can give me thoughts of feeble lure and weakness. Of suffering and the bleak, dim darkness that is my state of mind. But you are capable of so much more than that.

You are capable of positivity, of imagination turning to reality. 22 years, me. I know you. All your Light and Darkness, no matter where they hide, will always be found. You can run, make up excuses, even avoid opportunities, but I can do the opposite of all your faults and weakness'.

I can help you. I can help me.

I deserve more than suffering. I deserve to exist.

I can't exist if I plan to wallow away, boy.

22 years. You can still make it. You can hate me all you want, shout at me, curse me even. But I will remain. i hate me and I will be better. You will be better. Look around, fool. You are capable. The people around are proof of your capability, of your talent. Exploit that ability. You'll see them harvest soon.

Thank you for being my witness.

It's true, I loathe myself, god I really do, but my life is my own. I must bend it to my will. I will use this to forge my way through. Hate me, for I will use that and make damn sure you will love even more. You will learn to love yourself and everything you achieve.