Baby steps

Welp, it's done

I am now unemployed...again.

No, I don't plan on staying unemployed and no, I haven't gotten a job..yet.

See, here's the thing about me. I don't know what I'm doing. Well, I know this sounds like a complete re-hash from the past posts, which it sort of is, but that's just the thing about me.

I've just figured out something about me; how I remember stuff and things; how I memorize them and make them easier on my life; how I won't forget them. It's all in repetition.

You see, I guess this ain't anything special, but I can remember stuff from repeating them to myself over and over and over again. Passwords, codes, locations, anything. Of course, if any fool who repeats the same thing can remember it. It's ingrain into your brain and body that it becomes natural.

And there lies the problem with me. I have repeated myself so many times it felt natural for me. My routine has been ingrain to me that I'm always up at night thinking about all the thing I could have done to change it, when instead of could, it's should. I should have searched harder; I should have applied, I should have started.

All these went through my mind, including my forever fear of timeandafterlifeanddeathandstuff.

I can't seem to get myself to move on. I really REALLY can't go on like this. I have to...need to get a move on.

So, as soon as I finish this post off, I'm going to send a CV..to...I don't know, some magazine place. I fear not only eternity, but living this empty, aimless life where so much potential to do something is wasted cause I don't do shit about it.

Too many fears, too little faith. I need to make myself at least jump towards the fire and flames and come out fireproof, scarred or alive and willing to try again.

No more. No more of all of...THIS (I wrote as I pointed to myself and imagined those scenes in HTTYD)

I'll change. Even it's only one step at a time.