Would be great If I actually understand it..

I do not truly understand how my mind works sometimes. Actually, I barely understood my train of thought, but yet, at the same time, I know how predictable I can be.

What am I talking about, you ask (or not)? Well, let me start at the beginning.

I have reread a book of mine that had me thinking about my outlook on life. Sure, I have read several books before that had change my perspective of life, but it's been sometime since I've actually read one that got me thinking since Andrew Clement's "Things Not Seen."

It was a John Green book, "An Abundance of Katherines." It was only my second time reading it, but it felt like I've been going through the book for the first time. I've laughed, I've tensed and I've learned, all over again, I read each word with scene playing in my head, a moral to learn after each chapter. As I finished the book the second time, it finally got me thinking about my own life.

For a while now, it feels like I have not exactly been living, merely existing...And it is not the first time I've thought of it. Hell, I have lost count how many times I thought I of it, yet I do nothing. At the same time, I would still defy it and hatch up multiple plans and reasoning to deny such thoughts. But mere thoughts can't change anything if the body does not act, and for a while, I have not act at all.

The dreams I think of, scenes of possible futures in my head, I could conjure a pathway towards the goal, to make my imagination a reality. It is clear, yet....Why must I have so much to begin with? Is it because life is too short to stick to one thing and leave the other roads untouched? Is it impossible to do all the things I wish to achieve? What is it that I want to achieve?

Pardon me for using formal sentences, but I wanted to change the pace a little. Instead of the usual informal slang and jargon, I wanted to keep this one...clean. Although, it does not change the messiness of my subjects and my train of thought as I write this. It is still me, just of different, shall I say, faucet? No, not faucet, that is wrong. Just of different style is more like it.

I know my mind. I know who I am, but I don't understand "Me". I don't understand certain details that fail to comprehend myself. It is like living in a city that you have not yet explored, despite knowing it throughout your whole life.

It is probably a simple case of self-identification, trying to find "who I am" and the likes. Some sort of psychological term that I do not have a name of but those who understand the subject do.

This whole post will be confusing and will end as such, my formal writing style that may leave you cocking your head sideways or merely leaving you bored. It is not supposed to be an exciting read, just merely writing for the purpose of it.