You guysssssssss........ hi~
I know, I haven't been active for a while now. Like, what, almost a year?
Apologies, apologies. But y'all know how i am, here one moment, gone the next like a magician's parlour trick.
So, I'm sure you guys have been quite curious to why i've been absent.
Well......
I'm not gonna say. No, not this time. What y'all gonna be reading about ain't about what i've been through. No, it's what i've got in my mind. What this blog's original purpose.
So, listen.... Have you ever thought you don't deserve to achieve anything?
I do. i feel like i don't deserve this....life. Happiness and the likes. I don't believe I need all of this. It's like part of me is meant to suffer. I am consciously trying to sabotage myself. Why? I don' know.
Why would I do all of this? I just don't know. Shit. I feel like I... I want to hurt, I want depression and hopelessness. I want to suffer.
But I know I can't. Wait, that's not right. I shouldn't. I don't want to give in. Not to these thoughts. Not to these weakness'. I am capable. I know I am..
So, why does my mind, my will, feel like it needs to fail. I hate you.
I hate me.
So much self-loathing.And for what!?
Are you not suffering enough, me?
What more do you wish for?
Do you truly want suffering? To ravage yourself, to abuse yourself bare until nothing is left?
Do you want emptiness?
If you did, If I did wish for such things, I would not be here.
Welp, here I am. Still ranting, still searching. Still capable of hoping.
I won't back down, me. You can give me thoughts of feeble lure and weakness. Of suffering and the bleak, dim darkness that is my state of mind. But you are capable of so much more than that.
You are capable of positivity, of imagination turning to reality. 22 years, me. I know you. All your Light and Darkness, no matter where they hide, will always be found. You can run, make up excuses, even avoid opportunities, but I can do the opposite of all your faults and weakness'.
I can help you. I can help me.
I deserve more than suffering. I deserve to exist.
I can't exist if I plan to wallow away, boy.
22 years. You can still make it. You can hate me all you want, shout at me, curse me even. But I will remain. i hate me and I will be better. You will be better. Look around, fool. You are capable. The people around are proof of your capability, of your talent. Exploit that ability. You'll see them harvest soon.
Thank you for being my witness.
It's true, I loathe myself, god I really do, but my life is my own. I must bend it to my will. I will use this to forge my way through. Hate me, for I will use that and make damn sure you will love even more. You will learn to love yourself and everything you achieve.
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Baby steps
Welp, it's done
I am now unemployed...again.
No, I don't plan on staying unemployed and no, I haven't gotten a job..yet.
See, here's the thing about me. I don't know what I'm doing. Well, I know this sounds like a complete re-hash from the past posts, which it sort of is, but that's just the thing about me.
I've just figured out something about me; how I remember stuff and things; how I memorize them and make them easier on my life; how I won't forget them. It's all in repetition.
You see, I guess this ain't anything special, but I can remember stuff from repeating them to myself over and over and over again. Passwords, codes, locations, anything. Of course, if any fool who repeats the same thing can remember it. It's ingrain into your brain and body that it becomes natural.
And there lies the problem with me. I have repeated myself so many times it felt natural for me. My routine has been ingrain to me that I'm always up at night thinking about all the thing I could have done to change it, when instead of could, it's should. I should have searched harder; I should have applied, I should have started.
All these went through my mind, including my forever fear of timeandafterlifeanddeathandstuff.
I can't seem to get myself to move on. I really REALLY can't go on like this. I have to...need to get a move on.
So, as soon as I finish this post off, I'm going to send a CV..to...I don't know, some magazine place. I fear not only eternity, but living this empty, aimless life where so much potential to do something is wasted cause I don't do shit about it.
Too many fears, too little faith. I need to make myself at least jump towards the fire and flames and come out fireproof, scarred or alive and willing to try again.
No more. No more of all of...THIS (I wrote as I pointed to myself and imagined those scenes in HTTYD)
I'll change. Even it's only one step at a time.
I am now unemployed...again.
No, I don't plan on staying unemployed and no, I haven't gotten a job..yet.
See, here's the thing about me. I don't know what I'm doing. Well, I know this sounds like a complete re-hash from the past posts, which it sort of is, but that's just the thing about me.
I've just figured out something about me; how I remember stuff and things; how I memorize them and make them easier on my life; how I won't forget them. It's all in repetition.
You see, I guess this ain't anything special, but I can remember stuff from repeating them to myself over and over and over again. Passwords, codes, locations, anything. Of course, if any fool who repeats the same thing can remember it. It's ingrain into your brain and body that it becomes natural.
And there lies the problem with me. I have repeated myself so many times it felt natural for me. My routine has been ingrain to me that I'm always up at night thinking about all the thing I could have done to change it, when instead of could, it's should. I should have searched harder; I should have applied, I should have started.
All these went through my mind, including my forever fear of timeandafterlifeanddeathandstuff.
I can't seem to get myself to move on. I really REALLY can't go on like this. I have to...need to get a move on.
So, as soon as I finish this post off, I'm going to send a CV..to...I don't know, some magazine place. I fear not only eternity, but living this empty, aimless life where so much potential to do something is wasted cause I don't do shit about it.
Too many fears, too little faith. I need to make myself at least jump towards the fire and flames and come out fireproof, scarred or alive and willing to try again.
No more. No more of all of...THIS (I wrote as I pointed to myself and imagined those scenes in HTTYD)
I'll change. Even it's only one step at a time.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Would be great If I actually understand it..
I do not truly understand how my mind works sometimes. Actually, I barely understood my train of thought, but yet, at the same time, I know how predictable I can be.
What am I talking about, you ask (or not)? Well, let me start at the beginning.
I have reread a book of mine that had me thinking about my outlook on life. Sure, I have read several books before that had change my perspective of life, but it's been sometime since I've actually read one that got me thinking since Andrew Clement's "Things Not Seen."
It was a John Green book, "An Abundance of Katherines." It was only my second time reading it, but it felt like I've been going through the book for the first time. I've laughed, I've tensed and I've learned, all over again, I read each word with scene playing in my head, a moral to learn after each chapter. As I finished the book the second time, it finally got me thinking about my own life.
For a while now, it feels like I have not exactly been living, merely existing...And it is not the first time I've thought of it. Hell, I have lost count how many times I thought I of it, yet I do nothing. At the same time, I would still defy it and hatch up multiple plans and reasoning to deny such thoughts. But mere thoughts can't change anything if the body does not act, and for a while, I have not act at all.
The dreams I think of, scenes of possible futures in my head, I could conjure a pathway towards the goal, to make my imagination a reality. It is clear, yet....Why must I have so much to begin with? Is it because life is too short to stick to one thing and leave the other roads untouched? Is it impossible to do all the things I wish to achieve? What is it that I want to achieve?
Pardon me for using formal sentences, but I wanted to change the pace a little. Instead of the usual informal slang and jargon, I wanted to keep this one...clean. Although, it does not change the messiness of my subjects and my train of thought as I write this. It is still me, just of different, shall I say, faucet? No, not faucet, that is wrong. Just of different style is more like it.
I know my mind. I know who I am, but I don't understand "Me". I don't understand certain details that fail to comprehend myself. It is like living in a city that you have not yet explored, despite knowing it throughout your whole life.
It is probably a simple case of self-identification, trying to find "who I am" and the likes. Some sort of psychological term that I do not have a name of but those who understand the subject do.
This whole post will be confusing and will end as such, my formal writing style that may leave you cocking your head sideways or merely leaving you bored. It is not supposed to be an exciting read, just merely writing for the purpose of it.
What am I talking about, you ask (or not)? Well, let me start at the beginning.
I have reread a book of mine that had me thinking about my outlook on life. Sure, I have read several books before that had change my perspective of life, but it's been sometime since I've actually read one that got me thinking since Andrew Clement's "Things Not Seen."
It was a John Green book, "An Abundance of Katherines." It was only my second time reading it, but it felt like I've been going through the book for the first time. I've laughed, I've tensed and I've learned, all over again, I read each word with scene playing in my head, a moral to learn after each chapter. As I finished the book the second time, it finally got me thinking about my own life.
For a while now, it feels like I have not exactly been living, merely existing...And it is not the first time I've thought of it. Hell, I have lost count how many times I thought I of it, yet I do nothing. At the same time, I would still defy it and hatch up multiple plans and reasoning to deny such thoughts. But mere thoughts can't change anything if the body does not act, and for a while, I have not act at all.
The dreams I think of, scenes of possible futures in my head, I could conjure a pathway towards the goal, to make my imagination a reality. It is clear, yet....Why must I have so much to begin with? Is it because life is too short to stick to one thing and leave the other roads untouched? Is it impossible to do all the things I wish to achieve? What is it that I want to achieve?
Pardon me for using formal sentences, but I wanted to change the pace a little. Instead of the usual informal slang and jargon, I wanted to keep this one...clean. Although, it does not change the messiness of my subjects and my train of thought as I write this. It is still me, just of different, shall I say, faucet? No, not faucet, that is wrong. Just of different style is more like it.
I know my mind. I know who I am, but I don't understand "Me". I don't understand certain details that fail to comprehend myself. It is like living in a city that you have not yet explored, despite knowing it throughout your whole life.
It is probably a simple case of self-identification, trying to find "who I am" and the likes. Some sort of psychological term that I do not have a name of but those who understand the subject do.
This whole post will be confusing and will end as such, my formal writing style that may leave you cocking your head sideways or merely leaving you bored. It is not supposed to be an exciting read, just merely writing for the purpose of it.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Beyond robes, scrolls and hatless graduation
Hello, my admirers (or anyone reading things)
It has finally happened. I have graduated from my college.
That's right, folks, I'm officially out of the studying scene and on to the real world....and that's the problem here.
I mean, yeah, congratulations me, but after the rented robes are given back and I take home my empty scroll case, all I'll go back to is what I was a couple of months back. Empty. Well, empty with a job at least.
But now that I have graduated, I'm back to thinking about my future, on what I should do now. I got a job, sure, and that's awesome, truly, but....is this what I plan to do? Because this job of mine has only 2 purposes; to provide a form of income and to avoid rotting home. But the hidden agenda behind that is; I am simply abiding my time.
I've written a lot of "I don't know what to do with my life" posts before, all coming to the conclusion I have a passion for something, I'm just not sure on what. I always say that I got a dozen choices to choose from, where I simply just need to act on it. However, as simple as it sounds, it is anything but simple.
This is my life I'm planning. I know I don't need to plan like the whole 40 yards plus plus, but I dont' even know what I plan to do. Yes, I can refer back to my posts, see the idea I gave myself and maybe I'll act on it. MAYBE. See, the thing is, I'm still pretty indecisive, still using the word "maybe" for most of my decision. I can be one-track on things, but the fact of the matter is that I can't or won't bring myself to jump on the first train to opportunity. I remain sceptic on my decisions; my choices in life. It does not help me knowing that I'll soon be forgotten in the years to come, left nothing but bones and dust.
Maybe I guess that's my problem there, I'm thinking too much on what I want to leave behind. I'm still too young to think about it. Well, not TOO young, but young enough to understand that that bridge will be cross, just not at this period, unless I'm sure I'll be dead in the near future. I won't..well, I hope not, would be mighty devastating for my family and friends if I was.
(Sigh) It complicates my thought process if I am unable to determine the simple things in life. The questions of yes or no brings me to further question the answer behind it. I can't simply say yes or no about anything on the topic of my life. Should I further my studies? Am I able to? Would it help me? Okay, those questions may be a wee bit complicated. But those are just the yes or no questions, how about the subjective?.....I can't really think of one at the moment, though. Lot's of my questions goes along the lines of "Will the decision to further my studies allow me to foresee what I plan to do with my life?" or "How can I financially support my studies? (that's subjective there)....
Shit, I don't know any more. I mean, here I am, blogging at a cyber cafe near my neighbourhood (it's the nice one and not as packed as the one I usually go to) and thinking about life matters around guys who simply want to fool around on the pcs, paying 2-5 bucks at 3am in the morning.
See, there, right there, this is what worries me. Am I like these guys? Well, I'm being unfair her and totally bias, but the general idea is that..will I remain..well..me?
After all, I'm still me, and that's a good thing..right? Wait, don't answer that (not that you would\could). What should I do, hmm? What is my passion? Writing, yeah sure, I love to write. I love to write like this. Blogs. Opinions. But I lack on information most of the times.
I also like cartoons. Well, watching them anyway. And I always get ideas for stories, but the plots remain....unstable.
Take cartoon, writing and blogs together... what do I get? A webtoon writer? A reviewer? Well, that's a start there. Reviewing. It's something my brothers have been telling me over and over again. Why not start reviewing? Sure, I will get things wrong, I'll be incredibly bias...but it will still get me a rep. And with reputation, comes recognition and recognition, comes offers. Well, not that simple, but the idea is there.
So, start writing about stuff online, make it a routine and slowly, but surely, find my path in life? Worth of a try. It's not like I got anything to lose.
It has finally happened. I have graduated from my college.
That's right, folks, I'm officially out of the studying scene and on to the real world....and that's the problem here.
I mean, yeah, congratulations me, but after the rented robes are given back and I take home my empty scroll case, all I'll go back to is what I was a couple of months back. Empty. Well, empty with a job at least.
But now that I have graduated, I'm back to thinking about my future, on what I should do now. I got a job, sure, and that's awesome, truly, but....is this what I plan to do? Because this job of mine has only 2 purposes; to provide a form of income and to avoid rotting home. But the hidden agenda behind that is; I am simply abiding my time.
I've written a lot of "I don't know what to do with my life" posts before, all coming to the conclusion I have a passion for something, I'm just not sure on what. I always say that I got a dozen choices to choose from, where I simply just need to act on it. However, as simple as it sounds, it is anything but simple.
This is my life I'm planning. I know I don't need to plan like the whole 40 yards plus plus, but I dont' even know what I plan to do. Yes, I can refer back to my posts, see the idea I gave myself and maybe I'll act on it. MAYBE. See, the thing is, I'm still pretty indecisive, still using the word "maybe" for most of my decision. I can be one-track on things, but the fact of the matter is that I can't or won't bring myself to jump on the first train to opportunity. I remain sceptic on my decisions; my choices in life. It does not help me knowing that I'll soon be forgotten in the years to come, left nothing but bones and dust.
(Sigh) It complicates my thought process if I am unable to determine the simple things in life. The questions of yes or no brings me to further question the answer behind it. I can't simply say yes or no about anything on the topic of my life. Should I further my studies? Am I able to? Would it help me? Okay, those questions may be a wee bit complicated. But those are just the yes or no questions, how about the subjective?.....I can't really think of one at the moment, though. Lot's of my questions goes along the lines of "Will the decision to further my studies allow me to foresee what I plan to do with my life?" or "How can I financially support my studies? (that's subjective there)....
Shit, I don't know any more. I mean, here I am, blogging at a cyber cafe near my neighbourhood (it's the nice one and not as packed as the one I usually go to) and thinking about life matters around guys who simply want to fool around on the pcs, paying 2-5 bucks at 3am in the morning.
See, there, right there, this is what worries me. Am I like these guys? Well, I'm being unfair her and totally bias, but the general idea is that..will I remain..well..me?
After all, I'm still me, and that's a good thing..right? Wait, don't answer that (not that you would\could). What should I do, hmm? What is my passion? Writing, yeah sure, I love to write. I love to write like this. Blogs. Opinions. But I lack on information most of the times.
I also like cartoons. Well, watching them anyway. And I always get ideas for stories, but the plots remain....unstable.
Take cartoon, writing and blogs together... what do I get? A webtoon writer? A reviewer? Well, that's a start there. Reviewing. It's something my brothers have been telling me over and over again. Why not start reviewing? Sure, I will get things wrong, I'll be incredibly bias...but it will still get me a rep. And with reputation, comes recognition and recognition, comes offers. Well, not that simple, but the idea is there.
So, start writing about stuff online, make it a routine and slowly, but surely, find my path in life? Worth of a try. It's not like I got anything to lose.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Updates and such and such.
It's interesting to see that this blog of mine has better updates than my fanfictions
So, like what I've done with the place?
If ya'll miss the old one, well, I apologize for the sudden change. If not, than I would welcome you to a more simpler design that I just simply choose due to the fact that I want to have a change of pace.
I've been putting off the change for awhile now and now that I've done it, it seems nice to see the words properly, no more complicated fonts, colors, backdrop and such.. This is all that is to me. A simple design where the focus is mostly around my posts. Hopefully I could kick it up a notch in the future. If not, well, words have always been my redeeming feature~
So, yeah. That was pretty much this weeks update
Till next time~
So, like what I've done with the place?
If ya'll miss the old one, well, I apologize for the sudden change. If not, than I would welcome you to a more simpler design that I just simply choose due to the fact that I want to have a change of pace.
I've been putting off the change for awhile now and now that I've done it, it seems nice to see the words properly, no more complicated fonts, colors, backdrop and such.. This is all that is to me. A simple design where the focus is mostly around my posts. Hopefully I could kick it up a notch in the future. If not, well, words have always been my redeeming feature~
So, yeah. That was pretty much this weeks update
Till next time~
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Realization
I did not ever stop and think my choices, but if I took back, everything up to this point was all my own.
Let me rephrase
As you've all read before, I've been going on and on about how I am constantly being told what to do. Okay, not really. I have been told by my family to go through this or do that, but I have just realized that..All the things I've been through, it's all me. All my choices.
I guess you guys are feeling disappointed at what I have discovered. Yes, I should have realized that, but for awhile now I was in constant battle with my own psyche to actually take a step back and see the big picture. The school I went to, the people of I met, the course I chose, the events I took part. All Me. And here I am, wrecking my brains on what to do with my life and asking people their opinions on the matter. Yet, at the end of the day, only I could decide what to do. Only I could forge my path. This....why didn't I see this before? Why did it took a journey alone to my old home just to realize that...I'm in control of my life the whole time. It's not fate, I got no strings attach to me. I have complete control of my life.
And that scares me...
I know there are people who would kill (figuratively speaking) to have what I have. I have no chains attached. Yes, I still got responsibility, but I'm completely free. People may owe me, but I owe no one. My obligation to my family is second (I'm sorry, family, but it's how I see it) in my list.
I was told that if my dad was still alive, he would have said to me that I could do whatever I want, afterwards, he won't be supporting me. He'd treat me like an adult and let me decide my path. Let it be politics, journalism, music, martial arts or cartoon, he will allow me to be what I want. Now that this moment has fell to my lap, what should I be doing?
I only realized that, after trudging through the murky sludge of my thought process, that I'm free to do what I want. So be it. I shall go ahead to doing what I want to do.
Let me rephrase
As you've all read before, I've been going on and on about how I am constantly being told what to do. Okay, not really. I have been told by my family to go through this or do that, but I have just realized that..All the things I've been through, it's all me. All my choices.
I guess you guys are feeling disappointed at what I have discovered. Yes, I should have realized that, but for awhile now I was in constant battle with my own psyche to actually take a step back and see the big picture. The school I went to, the people of I met, the course I chose, the events I took part. All Me. And here I am, wrecking my brains on what to do with my life and asking people their opinions on the matter. Yet, at the end of the day, only I could decide what to do. Only I could forge my path. This....why didn't I see this before? Why did it took a journey alone to my old home just to realize that...I'm in control of my life the whole time. It's not fate, I got no strings attach to me. I have complete control of my life.
And that scares me...
I know there are people who would kill (figuratively speaking) to have what I have. I have no chains attached. Yes, I still got responsibility, but I'm completely free. People may owe me, but I owe no one. My obligation to my family is second (I'm sorry, family, but it's how I see it) in my list.
I was told that if my dad was still alive, he would have said to me that I could do whatever I want, afterwards, he won't be supporting me. He'd treat me like an adult and let me decide my path. Let it be politics, journalism, music, martial arts or cartoon, he will allow me to be what I want. Now that this moment has fell to my lap, what should I be doing?
I only realized that, after trudging through the murky sludge of my thought process, that I'm free to do what I want. So be it. I shall go ahead to doing what I want to do.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Best in the World
It's like closing to 5am at the moment and I'm sick. Having a flu sucked and a sore throat sucked more. Took some pills to kill the pain, but my nose is dripping like crazy. If anyone could see the amount of used tissue...well, let's just say it could compare to an average teenager on hormones.
As I said, closing to 5am and sick, but somethings just gotta be written, am I right? (This is rhetorical by the way).
I lived my life not knowing what to do. Don't get me wrong, you've read my posts before. They were filled with this I could do or what I want to do. Dreams and goals set upon pedestal and I'm at the beginning like a playing piece from one of those board games, walking the path riddled with close to impossible challenges and the total unknown. Yes, I got dreams and goals I want to pursue, but what am I doing to achieve that?
I look at myself and all I see is...empty. This kid here, this is the one with crazy thoughts of wanting to rule the world or making a big change and yet...He has no idea how or what it truly means. I want, but that doesn't mean I'll be given. I can't ask for anything like a that. No, I got to grab it. I gotta go out there and take it for myself. Yet, all this time, I'm a void.
When it truly matters the most, I couldn't take the dive. I listen to what the people closest to me would say and take their words to heart, yet I do nothing about that. What am I doing with my life? I thought and thought, over and over and over... The cycle goes on. There are a lot of things I want to do. I want to join my friends to go study in Australia, yet I can see the doubt that there's no way I could do that. Financial, how am I suppose to support myself? Obviously my family can't do two cents about that.
No dis, but they got a lot on their plate and I really don't want to be indebted to them. I don't necessarily hate them, but they aren't the most supportive of people. But I do want to study...But I also needed a job and for a while, I heard zilch from the people I applied to. I know I should just keep on trying, but my self-confidence deflates faster than a 3rd place nobody. I can't keep on sitting on my ass doing this.
"Nothing will ever change by sitting on the couch."
It was just this evening when I heard this phrase. It's not the exact phrase, but close to it. I watched a documentary about a wrestler. A man. The best in the world.
Yes, if you know who he is, you get a brownie point, friend. I watched, full attentiveness on his trials and tribulation. I know I was nothing like the man, but god damn it, was he a role model. He was definitely someone worth to idol over. I know he's a jerk in real life, but a true friend at heart. I wanted to be this guy. 20 years and I found a new role model and he's walking out of the wrestling business for good. Yet, I could see his influences. He is the man that could get things done. He says what he says and does it. A straight edge guy who knows what he wants and takes it.
I can't help but gawked. His confidence is exactly what I wanted. As I said, I want to be like this guy. A true man, he is. I finally got another goal in life. All I want, need or muster is the confidence this man has shown me. He came from a worst background than myself. Yet, he turned out ok, if not, even better. He did not give himself towards the easy way to escape the troubles of reality. No. Instead, he found a different reality. A different view he could take in. I felt a somewhat kindred spirit. Sounds pretty obnoxious of me. Me and Punk, similar? Yeah, I never did give in to the depression nor did I ever turn to the three trifacta of stress-relieve. I've tried a little of the three, only to sate my curiosity and that's it. I could count the number of times with one hand alone,, but that doesn't mean anything. This guy remained true to his words. He got tattoos all over his body, but they are the art of his life, every piece tells a story.
I know what I want to do. I've known for a while. So, shouldn't I just follow his confidence and go on ahead? I can't be everything nor can I do everything. Not yet, anyways. But for now, I should stick to what I want to do. What I can do and be the best at that.
Yes, I plan to adopt his phrase, cause the truth to the matter is, he is truly the best in the world and as corny as it sounds, why shouldn't I try as well?
As I said, closing to 5am and sick, but somethings just gotta be written, am I right? (This is rhetorical by the way).
I lived my life not knowing what to do. Don't get me wrong, you've read my posts before. They were filled with this I could do or what I want to do. Dreams and goals set upon pedestal and I'm at the beginning like a playing piece from one of those board games, walking the path riddled with close to impossible challenges and the total unknown. Yes, I got dreams and goals I want to pursue, but what am I doing to achieve that?
I look at myself and all I see is...empty. This kid here, this is the one with crazy thoughts of wanting to rule the world or making a big change and yet...He has no idea how or what it truly means. I want, but that doesn't mean I'll be given. I can't ask for anything like a that. No, I got to grab it. I gotta go out there and take it for myself. Yet, all this time, I'm a void.
When it truly matters the most, I couldn't take the dive. I listen to what the people closest to me would say and take their words to heart, yet I do nothing about that. What am I doing with my life? I thought and thought, over and over and over... The cycle goes on. There are a lot of things I want to do. I want to join my friends to go study in Australia, yet I can see the doubt that there's no way I could do that. Financial, how am I suppose to support myself? Obviously my family can't do two cents about that.
No dis, but they got a lot on their plate and I really don't want to be indebted to them. I don't necessarily hate them, but they aren't the most supportive of people. But I do want to study...But I also needed a job and for a while, I heard zilch from the people I applied to. I know I should just keep on trying, but my self-confidence deflates faster than a 3rd place nobody. I can't keep on sitting on my ass doing this.
"Nothing will ever change by sitting on the couch."
It was just this evening when I heard this phrase. It's not the exact phrase, but close to it. I watched a documentary about a wrestler. A man. The best in the world.
Yes, if you know who he is, you get a brownie point, friend. I watched, full attentiveness on his trials and tribulation. I know I was nothing like the man, but god damn it, was he a role model. He was definitely someone worth to idol over. I know he's a jerk in real life, but a true friend at heart. I wanted to be this guy. 20 years and I found a new role model and he's walking out of the wrestling business for good. Yet, I could see his influences. He is the man that could get things done. He says what he says and does it. A straight edge guy who knows what he wants and takes it.
I can't help but gawked. His confidence is exactly what I wanted. As I said, I want to be like this guy. A true man, he is. I finally got another goal in life. All I want, need or muster is the confidence this man has shown me. He came from a worst background than myself. Yet, he turned out ok, if not, even better. He did not give himself towards the easy way to escape the troubles of reality. No. Instead, he found a different reality. A different view he could take in. I felt a somewhat kindred spirit. Sounds pretty obnoxious of me. Me and Punk, similar? Yeah, I never did give in to the depression nor did I ever turn to the three trifacta of stress-relieve. I've tried a little of the three, only to sate my curiosity and that's it. I could count the number of times with one hand alone,, but that doesn't mean anything. This guy remained true to his words. He got tattoos all over his body, but they are the art of his life, every piece tells a story.
I know what I want to do. I've known for a while. So, shouldn't I just follow his confidence and go on ahead? I can't be everything nor can I do everything. Not yet, anyways. But for now, I should stick to what I want to do. What I can do and be the best at that.
Yes, I plan to adopt his phrase, cause the truth to the matter is, he is truly the best in the world and as corny as it sounds, why shouldn't I try as well?
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