Welp, here I am

You guysssssssss........ hi~
I know, I haven't been active for a while now. Like, what, almost a year?
Apologies, apologies. But y'all know how i am, here one moment, gone the next like a magician's parlour trick.
So, I'm sure you guys have been quite curious to why i've been absent.
Well......
I'm not gonna say. No, not this time. What y'all gonna be reading about ain't about what i've been through. No, it's what i've got in my mind. What this blog's original purpose.

So, listen.... Have you ever thought you don't deserve to achieve anything?
I do. i feel like i don't deserve this....life. Happiness and the likes. I don't believe I need all of this. It's like part of me is meant to suffer. I am consciously trying to sabotage myself. Why? I don' know.

Why would I do all of this? I just don't know. Shit. I feel like I... I want to hurt, I want depression and hopelessness. I want to suffer.

But I know I can't. Wait, that's not right. I shouldn't. I don't want to give in. Not to these thoughts. Not to these weakness'. I am capable. I know I am..

So, why does my mind, my will, feel like it needs to fail. I hate you.

I hate me.

So much self-loathing.And for what!?

Are you not suffering enough, me?

What more do you wish for?

Do you truly want suffering? To ravage yourself, to abuse yourself bare until nothing is left?

Do you want emptiness?

If you did, If I did wish for such things, I would not be here.

Welp, here I am. Still ranting, still searching. Still capable of hoping.

I won't back down, me. You can give me thoughts of feeble lure and weakness. Of suffering and the bleak, dim darkness that is my state of mind. But you are capable of so much more than that.

You are capable of positivity, of imagination turning to reality. 22 years, me. I know you. All your Light and Darkness, no matter where they hide, will always be found. You can run, make up excuses, even avoid opportunities, but I can do the opposite of all your faults and weakness'.

I can help you. I can help me.

I deserve more than suffering. I deserve to exist.

I can't exist if I plan to wallow away, boy.

22 years. You can still make it. You can hate me all you want, shout at me, curse me even. But I will remain. i hate me and I will be better. You will be better. Look around, fool. You are capable. The people around are proof of your capability, of your talent. Exploit that ability. You'll see them harvest soon.

Thank you for being my witness.

It's true, I loathe myself, god I really do, but my life is my own. I must bend it to my will. I will use this to forge my way through. Hate me, for I will use that and make damn sure you will love even more. You will learn to love yourself and everything you achieve.

Dabbles and Pretty Rants

I wanted to do all I can to be who I planned to be, but plans rarely goes as...they plan..Ok, let me rephrase that.

All my life, I hear what people has to say and weight their words against mine. I would dissect each and every phrase, remember the tone of their speech, how they emphasize each letter trying to stress their point. These thing will play in my mind like a recorder trapped on replay, each time I remember, a new viewpoint opens, complicating my thought process like a badly-made troubleshoot program.

I would stay awake in bed, haunted my the echos of my opinion against theirs, waging a war I made myself only to be caught in a typhoon of never-ending complications. There is no one cure for this, but there is a way to divert those energy unto something else.

I never gave it much though, truth be told. This blog is a treasure trove of my deepest concerns and fears, but it's also my treatment when my mind has had enough of the bullshit regrets and indecisiveness known as my personality. My timid self outside these post can never muster it's true..wrath? No, wrath is too strong of a word. Confidence. Yes, my confidence is bottled up behind a glass known as fear, it's only salvation is when the bottled up confidence are released within these pages.

Now, while you're reading this, two thing may go through your mind. A) This kid is totally overdramatic; B) He's definitely trying to show-off his language skills (or lack of); and I'll throw in one more, C) You have no Idea what you're reading and were just browsing the web for no proper reason and ended up reading this blog post.

I don't blame you. As much self-analyzing I could do, I had never once tried to rid myself of this dramatize persona. Like I'm some sort of tragic hero trying to find a haven within the internet, away from reality. I guess that's another thing you could point at.

I know various things about myself that I show in front of my friends, siblings and strangers which all had the same though; What is wrong with this kid?

Nothing is truly wrong with me, to be perfectly honest. Other than low self-esteem, weak gums which leads to bad breath and slight insomnia, I'm actually pretty normal. I just chose to see the world in a different....darkness. I don't say light cause everyone is attracted to the light. You can see the world from different light, but it's just changing the level of brightness as it is in tv or on the monitor.

Would you dare to stare into darkness. It's pretty much asking yourself to fall into eternity. That is until your eyes start to get used to the darkness and you figure out that everyone is the same at the end. All blind at first and trying to get used to the dark or finding a way to escape it. No one ever say tells you that there's comfort in darkness. Well, maybe Batman or Nolan's Bane would go on about how they were born in darkness and yada yada...

But at the end of all this, you are all trying to find your light to escape. That's the plan anyway. SO you could bask in the light and strive towards to what you wanted to be; what you dreamed as a  kid that you'd sacrifice anything to stay within that pavilion.

I don't have that..yet. I'm just biding my time. For what, you may so ask (or not)? I don't know. But I guess that's the problem. I want to wait. Waiting is easy. I've been waiting 20 years for something and for the last 2 decades, things do happen, just not the way I'd imagine it to be. I want to anticipate the unexpected which is just too much of an effort to do. So, why wait? Why should I allow something to come to me? It should have been the other way around. Those who wait shall receive or something along those lines  can't do jack-shit on me.

I have to take a stand, make myself move on my own two feet and walk the mile to see the light at the end of this darkness. I have to find my own light.

If you read this far, congrats, you've been given a free life lesson by yours truly. If you haven't learn anything, that congrats anyway, you were able to kill some time so that you could go on with your life.

While you're doing that, I'll take my own advise and get on moving. My ass is starting to ache from all this sitting and my brain getting as dull as ripped-off movie titles.

This is Qirtz the Fool signing off.

P.s, If you're lost reading this post, don't be. To begin with, you've been reading through my train of thought, so it's not suppose to make sense. It's like a rant except prettied up with words and proper grammar..sort of.

But, Yeah...

For a while now, I’ve suddenly acquired this train of thought of being both self-aware and still remain ignorant to myself. Since when have I gained such attitude? Why do I keep all these stuff to myself? I realized moments ago that what I’ve been doing with my life is nothing but a form of suicide. A slow, yet joyful way of suicide. I mean, everyone dies. One way or the other, it’ll come. But I live my life by pushing my body to the limit whilst enjoying the pleasures of life.

The saying “Live Life to the fullest” or “Life is a short ride, so live it full” or some crap of saying like that, I do not really know the main saying, but all I’m trying to elaborate is that I’m constantly cutting off my life span my ignoring the simple and smallest details of my life. Of course, instinct has helped me prevent from dying from hunger, avoiding dangerous areas and as well keeping my oxygen tank full. Well, it’s either instincts or luck. Either ways, I’m still alive, so I should start living. But I don’t know how to properly live it. There are to guides.. well there are guides, but you can’t tell whether it’ll lead you to the right path. Is there really a “right” or “wrong” path? Well, I guess talk of human trafficking and other shady, inhumane acts could be considered the “wrong” path. But that is the perspective of which the masses have labelled it. If the person who does it know it’s wrong themselves, why do they keep doing so? This is a question I’ve been asking myself for a while now.

I’m definitely killing myself slowly. Not like cutting myself or plans of jumping of a building. Ignoring what the body needs and feeding it what it wants. My body as well as my future is being played around like a fucking juggler on a tightrope riding a unicycle. If I’m lucky, I’ll be able to reached to the other side, maintaining my balance and still able to keep myself on track, but one of these days, I’ll mess up, fall of the tightrope and land hard. It'll either cripple me, rendering me useless for the remainders of my life or it’ll end me. Of course, there is a third possibility I could overcome such a misfortune and gain new found strength, determination and outlook to face life and truly live life to the fullest.

Is that what I’m hoping for? To slipped up. Damn, I must be some sort of masochist. I mean, what use is it to hope for something bad to befall upon me? Will I really gain something new from that? Cause that’s what’s called a gamble, and I suck in gambling. To gamble my life on the line in hopes I get new found….something (can’t find the word)….. I’ve already lost my parents. I’ve already missed opportunities. It’s a miracle I am able to go through high school and now I’m in college, already with a whole bunch of assignments either passed deadline or nearing deadline.

I’m a mess. Maybe that should be the title of my Autobiography, “I’m a Mess”… doesn’t really reflect who I am though, just…my situation. No, I am a mess, so I should start cleaning myself up. Rearrange things, but in the order which is acceptable to me in which I am able to manage. God forbids if I’ll be able to do so, and quickly. I have an arsenal of excuses ready at the top of my head, but no determination to let out cause I hate each time I do so. It’s a load of BULL!!.... maybe that could be my title..

If anyone is reading this other than myself, at least you get to know what’s making me tick. I know I show off my quirky attitude with the mix of oddness which cannot be found among the general population (well, like 1 in a mill…a bit narcissist there), but I always carry these questions in my head and swallow them straight to my heart..or my stomach and in which, gets release in a form of gas.

Foolishness and some word synonymous to genius but with a “ness” at the end, coincide each other like two sides of the same coin. I hesitate whether I should publish it or not, but for now, this little word document essay thingy will stay in my laptop. Feel free to read, but don’t mess with anything on this document. I need to reflect on myself and I need the feedbacks from my own perspective… that doesn’t sound grammatically correct, but yeah. “But, Yeah” sounds catchy enough as a movie title. Or a book title….