Welp, here I am

You guysssssssss........ hi~
I know, I haven't been active for a while now. Like, what, almost a year?
Apologies, apologies. But y'all know how i am, here one moment, gone the next like a magician's parlour trick.
So, I'm sure you guys have been quite curious to why i've been absent.
Well......
I'm not gonna say. No, not this time. What y'all gonna be reading about ain't about what i've been through. No, it's what i've got in my mind. What this blog's original purpose.

So, listen.... Have you ever thought you don't deserve to achieve anything?
I do. i feel like i don't deserve this....life. Happiness and the likes. I don't believe I need all of this. It's like part of me is meant to suffer. I am consciously trying to sabotage myself. Why? I don' know.

Why would I do all of this? I just don't know. Shit. I feel like I... I want to hurt, I want depression and hopelessness. I want to suffer.

But I know I can't. Wait, that's not right. I shouldn't. I don't want to give in. Not to these thoughts. Not to these weakness'. I am capable. I know I am..

So, why does my mind, my will, feel like it needs to fail. I hate you.

I hate me.

So much self-loathing.And for what!?

Are you not suffering enough, me?

What more do you wish for?

Do you truly want suffering? To ravage yourself, to abuse yourself bare until nothing is left?

Do you want emptiness?

If you did, If I did wish for such things, I would not be here.

Welp, here I am. Still ranting, still searching. Still capable of hoping.

I won't back down, me. You can give me thoughts of feeble lure and weakness. Of suffering and the bleak, dim darkness that is my state of mind. But you are capable of so much more than that.

You are capable of positivity, of imagination turning to reality. 22 years, me. I know you. All your Light and Darkness, no matter where they hide, will always be found. You can run, make up excuses, even avoid opportunities, but I can do the opposite of all your faults and weakness'.

I can help you. I can help me.

I deserve more than suffering. I deserve to exist.

I can't exist if I plan to wallow away, boy.

22 years. You can still make it. You can hate me all you want, shout at me, curse me even. But I will remain. i hate me and I will be better. You will be better. Look around, fool. You are capable. The people around are proof of your capability, of your talent. Exploit that ability. You'll see them harvest soon.

Thank you for being my witness.

It's true, I loathe myself, god I really do, but my life is my own. I must bend it to my will. I will use this to forge my way through. Hate me, for I will use that and make damn sure you will love even more. You will learn to love yourself and everything you achieve.

Dabbles and Pretty Rants

I wanted to do all I can to be who I planned to be, but plans rarely goes as...they plan..Ok, let me rephrase that.

All my life, I hear what people has to say and weight their words against mine. I would dissect each and every phrase, remember the tone of their speech, how they emphasize each letter trying to stress their point. These thing will play in my mind like a recorder trapped on replay, each time I remember, a new viewpoint opens, complicating my thought process like a badly-made troubleshoot program.

I would stay awake in bed, haunted my the echos of my opinion against theirs, waging a war I made myself only to be caught in a typhoon of never-ending complications. There is no one cure for this, but there is a way to divert those energy unto something else.

I never gave it much though, truth be told. This blog is a treasure trove of my deepest concerns and fears, but it's also my treatment when my mind has had enough of the bullshit regrets and indecisiveness known as my personality. My timid self outside these post can never muster it's true..wrath? No, wrath is too strong of a word. Confidence. Yes, my confidence is bottled up behind a glass known as fear, it's only salvation is when the bottled up confidence are released within these pages.

Now, while you're reading this, two thing may go through your mind. A) This kid is totally overdramatic; B) He's definitely trying to show-off his language skills (or lack of); and I'll throw in one more, C) You have no Idea what you're reading and were just browsing the web for no proper reason and ended up reading this blog post.

I don't blame you. As much self-analyzing I could do, I had never once tried to rid myself of this dramatize persona. Like I'm some sort of tragic hero trying to find a haven within the internet, away from reality. I guess that's another thing you could point at.

I know various things about myself that I show in front of my friends, siblings and strangers which all had the same though; What is wrong with this kid?

Nothing is truly wrong with me, to be perfectly honest. Other than low self-esteem, weak gums which leads to bad breath and slight insomnia, I'm actually pretty normal. I just chose to see the world in a different....darkness. I don't say light cause everyone is attracted to the light. You can see the world from different light, but it's just changing the level of brightness as it is in tv or on the monitor.

Would you dare to stare into darkness. It's pretty much asking yourself to fall into eternity. That is until your eyes start to get used to the darkness and you figure out that everyone is the same at the end. All blind at first and trying to get used to the dark or finding a way to escape it. No one ever say tells you that there's comfort in darkness. Well, maybe Batman or Nolan's Bane would go on about how they were born in darkness and yada yada...

But at the end of all this, you are all trying to find your light to escape. That's the plan anyway. SO you could bask in the light and strive towards to what you wanted to be; what you dreamed as a  kid that you'd sacrifice anything to stay within that pavilion.

I don't have that..yet. I'm just biding my time. For what, you may so ask (or not)? I don't know. But I guess that's the problem. I want to wait. Waiting is easy. I've been waiting 20 years for something and for the last 2 decades, things do happen, just not the way I'd imagine it to be. I want to anticipate the unexpected which is just too much of an effort to do. So, why wait? Why should I allow something to come to me? It should have been the other way around. Those who wait shall receive or something along those lines  can't do jack-shit on me.

I have to take a stand, make myself move on my own two feet and walk the mile to see the light at the end of this darkness. I have to find my own light.

If you read this far, congrats, you've been given a free life lesson by yours truly. If you haven't learn anything, that congrats anyway, you were able to kill some time so that you could go on with your life.

While you're doing that, I'll take my own advise and get on moving. My ass is starting to ache from all this sitting and my brain getting as dull as ripped-off movie titles.

This is Qirtz the Fool signing off.

P.s, If you're lost reading this post, don't be. To begin with, you've been reading through my train of thought, so it's not suppose to make sense. It's like a rant except prettied up with words and proper grammar..sort of.

Perdicament

I don't know what to do with my life.
I mean, I know I have a whole selections of choices to follow, and don't get me wrong, it's pretty overwhelming. But unfortunately, I hardly know what to do with myself. So instead, I have others give me ideas on how to go about on this questioning period of my life.

I could work..
It's an obvious and a totally acceptable choice. I currently have only 6 months to leech off my parent's pension money, so sooner or later I have to provide for myself. I got a few good ideas tossed at me. I could consider interning at IGN, the gaming review/news portal. It's a dream job that puts two of my favorite things together: Games and Writing. With this, I could maintain my daily lifestyle on gaming and have income to support myself whilst living with me bros. It's one of the highlighted choice for me. Of course, that would mean that my "planned" trip to travel must be held back for who knows how long. I was told many times from the eldest son to "enjoy" myself. I got the approval to travel from me mom and my bro ain't so tough on my decision, but they can't help worry about how I decide my course of life. I guess I still need to think about it.

I could continue studying..
Which is what every family wants their child to do, it's no different from my case as my late parents were well-respected adults during their time and I know my family wishes me to pursue further on my studies. The upside in doing so is that I will be able to extend my pension (I hope) until I finish my studies. Another upside is that the getting a job will require less stress as my portfolio would state that I am an accomplished degree graduate of (insert name of University). I would like to further my education and can't help but think all the experiences I would gain should I chose this decision. 2 problems though; 1) I have no idea what to pursue on, 2) Do I have the qualification to follow said course..Let me add a third one; which is if I have the finance to both pay for the course and to support myself if I were to choose the course. That's actually to things, but both falls under the "If I have enough money" problem.

I could travel..
It's nice, but unfortunately, I don't believe I have the resource (money) to support this decision. Well, if it's not money, I could just simple start walking and see where can I go from there, leave everything behind and head to wherever I want to go. If I chose this, however, I will be exploiting myself to all sorts of dangers and other life-threatening situations which a 20 year old like myself have no idea how to overcome or solve. I may seem quick on my feet, but I'm an impulsive loon who forgets easily. I have many doubts whether I could do such thing or not.

It is a sad thing for a 20 year like myself, still young and full of untapped potential, to tear myself. I mean, I know it's possible to do all three (well, normal traveling, not the globe-trotting, backpacking, hobo lifestyle travel), but to actually realize that vision is to have determination of steel and a clear, well-thought out plan to follow that determination. And at the moment, I have neither. Or 1/2 of said requirements. Ok, maybe neither is the real answer. I say this, but that does not mean I don't completely have no idea what I wanted to do in my life.

I want to make cartoons..
It's not animation i'm talking about. I want to be a plot writer or storyboard artist or whatever the occupation for writing cartoon is called. I want to make a story and turn it into a cartoon. I wanna make all sorts of cartoon that teaches kids,teenagers and adults about life lessons and to make them laugh, cry, giggle, mad, smile, hate, understand, cringe and remember all sorts of things, remind them all of the things about their own life experiences. Have them get all worked up on an episode just to get settle down by the next. I want to fill kids with imagination and hope that those kids will give life to those imagination even through adulthood. I want teenagers to understand that the world is too big to hate, but small enough to love. I want adults to allow themselves to be free from the shackle of boring routines and find the beauty of every little moments they spent with their love ones, because everything is temporary and the only thing immortal are the memories kept by others; stories one passed on from one generation to another to another families' generation and so on. Cartoons have a certain way on people. They can manifest one's fear into comedy while exploiting the facts of life towards themselves. Cartoons are able to poke on issues considered taboo and turn it into a catchy tune to remember the lessons. Cartoons can take all the nonsense in the world, all the feats that humans believe are considered "impossible" and turn it into a debate on how close to possible it truly is. I'm probably making it a wee too dramatic on how I see cartoons, but that is how I could only see it. Cartoons does not have to be truly logical. In fact, the best cartoons hardly are. Then again, some of those cartoons aren't so child-friendly either. Nonetheless, it's cartoons with oddest factors that leave behind the strongest impact.

I have written what seemed like a couple of weeks worth, but it has quelled my indecision on the course of my life. Although I am still lost, I am no longer awaiting till a sign has shown itself. For now, I'll flow, but as well, trudge through this pavement of indecisiveness and find course in life. I do not know when I'll find the answer and no idea how, but I'll keep on going. It is not a wall that will stop me, simply my lack of will.

Unexpected query, Long-winded Answer

I try to make it a routine to write on my blog. This blog has been around for a while now and i should at least make the most of it. Who know what happens to this guy when i don't visit it once in a while, update the random shit that goes through my mind. So what on today's menu? Well, a full-course of bullshit and questions i have yet to answer with a side of philosophical quip covered with a hint of melancholy as a topping. Sounds delicious, eh? So what are "we" waiting for, let's dig in~

Well, I was asked something I should have the answer to, but have forgotten it's existence for a while now. "Do you like writing?". This was asked by a fellow employee of mine who also happen to be an actor (Surprise~). I was hesitant at first, but than i gave back a vague reply on how i have a knack for writing (as told by me lecturers)..

So, do I like to write? Of course I do. Its the one thing i've always enjoyed, besides gaming, hentai, music and martial arts. When i write, the letters that form into word in which becomes a sentence allows me to "create" a world out of nothing. I can allow my imagination to run wild, guns blazing at sight, worrying about nothing except petty grammar mistakes and proper story structures. I like to write. I LOVE TO WRITE. Although, i don't show it as much as i hoped. The hunchbacked-glasses wearing nerd look is being rocked by a whole range of various misunderstood, shy, awkward fools who keep what they love a secret due to some complex. And then there's the pretenders who have no idea the meaning of the word "Nerd" or "Geek" and simply flung it around as they flow with the trend of today. Fucking liars.

 Anyway, I don't want to sound cheesy, but writing allows me to express myself. THere, I said it. Those damn 5 words that allows people to understand that i'm not just any nerd, but a sensitive, introvert who has a complex with letting people within his shell and does nothing about it (this is sorta off topic, but what the hay). I have an encyclopedia of things to write. A whole universe of stories to share. The thing is, i can't find the right...structure...or...substance to resurrect them. And everytime i do have the substance, it usually doesn't last long. Only a day or two and they die out. Odd, is it not? I'm referring to the idea in my head as "them" or "they". I think its something that all writers have. The habit of looking at their stories as living things.

So, I love to write (yay, an answer), but I don't know to what extent (boo, another dead end). I mean, i've already written a whole essay on why i love to write, so i'm good..right? (no pun intended)...I guess i'll delve into it a bit longer before i can consider my answer. god forbids, i'll find something in this stupid brain of mine worthy of an answer to all this foolish queries.

 Random Fool signing off~

But, Yeah...

For a while now, I’ve suddenly acquired this train of thought of being both self-aware and still remain ignorant to myself. Since when have I gained such attitude? Why do I keep all these stuff to myself? I realized moments ago that what I’ve been doing with my life is nothing but a form of suicide. A slow, yet joyful way of suicide. I mean, everyone dies. One way or the other, it’ll come. But I live my life by pushing my body to the limit whilst enjoying the pleasures of life.

The saying “Live Life to the fullest” or “Life is a short ride, so live it full” or some crap of saying like that, I do not really know the main saying, but all I’m trying to elaborate is that I’m constantly cutting off my life span my ignoring the simple and smallest details of my life. Of course, instinct has helped me prevent from dying from hunger, avoiding dangerous areas and as well keeping my oxygen tank full. Well, it’s either instincts or luck. Either ways, I’m still alive, so I should start living. But I don’t know how to properly live it. There are to guides.. well there are guides, but you can’t tell whether it’ll lead you to the right path. Is there really a “right” or “wrong” path? Well, I guess talk of human trafficking and other shady, inhumane acts could be considered the “wrong” path. But that is the perspective of which the masses have labelled it. If the person who does it know it’s wrong themselves, why do they keep doing so? This is a question I’ve been asking myself for a while now.

I’m definitely killing myself slowly. Not like cutting myself or plans of jumping of a building. Ignoring what the body needs and feeding it what it wants. My body as well as my future is being played around like a fucking juggler on a tightrope riding a unicycle. If I’m lucky, I’ll be able to reached to the other side, maintaining my balance and still able to keep myself on track, but one of these days, I’ll mess up, fall of the tightrope and land hard. It'll either cripple me, rendering me useless for the remainders of my life or it’ll end me. Of course, there is a third possibility I could overcome such a misfortune and gain new found strength, determination and outlook to face life and truly live life to the fullest.

Is that what I’m hoping for? To slipped up. Damn, I must be some sort of masochist. I mean, what use is it to hope for something bad to befall upon me? Will I really gain something new from that? Cause that’s what’s called a gamble, and I suck in gambling. To gamble my life on the line in hopes I get new found….something (can’t find the word)….. I’ve already lost my parents. I’ve already missed opportunities. It’s a miracle I am able to go through high school and now I’m in college, already with a whole bunch of assignments either passed deadline or nearing deadline.

I’m a mess. Maybe that should be the title of my Autobiography, “I’m a Mess”… doesn’t really reflect who I am though, just…my situation. No, I am a mess, so I should start cleaning myself up. Rearrange things, but in the order which is acceptable to me in which I am able to manage. God forbids if I’ll be able to do so, and quickly. I have an arsenal of excuses ready at the top of my head, but no determination to let out cause I hate each time I do so. It’s a load of BULL!!.... maybe that could be my title..

If anyone is reading this other than myself, at least you get to know what’s making me tick. I know I show off my quirky attitude with the mix of oddness which cannot be found among the general population (well, like 1 in a mill…a bit narcissist there), but I always carry these questions in my head and swallow them straight to my heart..or my stomach and in which, gets release in a form of gas.

Foolishness and some word synonymous to genius but with a “ness” at the end, coincide each other like two sides of the same coin. I hesitate whether I should publish it or not, but for now, this little word document essay thingy will stay in my laptop. Feel free to read, but don’t mess with anything on this document. I need to reflect on myself and I need the feedbacks from my own perspective… that doesn’t sound grammatically correct, but yeah. “But, Yeah” sounds catchy enough as a movie title. Or a book title….

Babble in curiosity

Right now imma let my instincts talk while i dazed away for a bit. I wonder what is it about me that keep.... wait, imma thinkin again. can't think, i gotta feel. gotta dabble in curiosity (gotta stay in topic and all, or imma just be doping away)... So, what am i writing? I wanna know what i wanna write about.

Maybe i should just warn you know that reading this post will may be a waste of your precious time, but considering you are still reading this post up to this sentence, then i'll entertain you for a little while longer. I want to know what is it i plan to do with my course of life. I could do anything, actually. I won't be good at it, but i know i'll learn on the job and then gain experience (just like in games~), and in time, i'll be good at it. They do say to get good at something, you gotta suck at it first.

Sigh, my mind wanders around like... like..pollen being swayed by the wind. Pollen..what was that one flower called again? Cauliflower? no wait, that's a vegetable...let me check google for a minute...ahh..damn, forgot what flower it was. A new simile, like a leaf on the wind (googled simile as well, sew me..well not literally).. I get blown around places, wandering around on where should i land.. but fate isn't so kind. The wind will just take me to another place and i'll still be shrouding in the unknown, mind filled with doubts, my hope replaced by uncertainty, my pride turned into longing..longing for a place to rest. It will allow me to rest, though. When the wind stops, I get a chance to see my resting place, my landing spot.

Is it the end? No, I will not submit to that. I remain curious once more. I don't plan to stop yet. How am i writing this? In present tense? In future tense? these sentences don't need tenses. tis a story. randomly weaved by a fool satisfying his fill on writing.

You did a good job reading until now. It means your curiosity is broad. you want to know things that you don't know of, you want to understand where this is going. Well, i got news for ya, this post ain't going nowhere, but it opens a certain something within ya. I'll tell you straight. My dear readers, you.are.a.Fool. You can take it as an insult if you want. only foolish people would ready what a foolish person writes. Only a fool can follow the babbles of a fool. And you are one (if you are still reading, then it pretty much proves it). You are like me. Unknown to the outside, wondering why? So you instead of sitting ya ass on the sofa, you started walking, journeying, reading, finding, discovering, answering and repeat. Satisfying your quench for knowledge, you started wandering and understanding your limits, your capability..your gift.

So congratulations, my foolish readers, i thank you for reading this far (again) and enjoy your new found personality. It will help you well in life. I don't guarantee it, but well..just see how it goes~

Greatness...

We were never born great. This is the reality we should have accepted when we were born. But our parents tell us otherwise. We were told we could change the world. Meet up with their high expectations, overcome impossible odds and Achieving the improbable. We were told we were meant for greatness. And that is the problem with kids these days.

Born and raised in a family, able to buy and support for their education and their materialistic desires, in exchange for greatness. Achievements. Never have we ever given a second thought on how this much pride could ruin our children's perception of the world. We let them believe they can achieve it.

No one is born great. We are all born fools. Individuals with no knowledge of the world outside our crib. Looking for guidance from our caregivers, hoping to find the answers. Greatness is like respect. it is not given, but earned.

The Fool and Time

I think back to the time when life was simple. White would always stay white and black is always black. I look up to the sky and just see, well, the sky. I feel the breeze and think its cold. I look at fire and stay away from it. I see crows and thought they were noisy (well, i still do). I thought girls were icky and boys rule (i still think boys do, but not so much about the former now). I thought the color blue was sign for good and red for evil. But time made sure my thinking change. Not that i changed much. I still think white is still white and black is still black. I now just see more of what the colors appear to me. What it means. Time made sure i get out of my comfortable shell to see the world in a new perspective. And i thank time and experience for that. I'm no more the kid who just knows nothing. I am a fool who knows he knows nothing. And i will remain so. That is not to say won't learn as the years go by. But Knowing nothing only lets you see the endless lessons of everything.

I think back to those times. I was small. Life was simple. And i thank time for making it simple.