I don't know what to do with my life.
I mean, I know I have a whole selections of choices to follow, and don't get me wrong, it's pretty overwhelming. But unfortunately, I hardly know what to do with myself. So instead, I have others give me ideas on how to go about on this questioning period of my life.
I could work..
It's an obvious and a totally acceptable choice. I currently have only 6 months to leech off my parent's pension money, so sooner or later I have to provide for myself. I got a few good ideas tossed at me. I could consider interning at IGN, the gaming review/news portal. It's a dream job that puts two of my favorite things together: Games and Writing. With this, I could maintain my daily lifestyle on gaming and have income to support myself whilst living with me bros. It's one of the highlighted choice for me. Of course, that would mean that my "planned" trip to travel must be held back for who knows how long. I was told many times from the eldest son to "enjoy" myself. I got the approval to travel from me mom and my bro ain't so tough on my decision, but they can't help worry about how I decide my course of life. I guess I still need to think about it.
I could continue studying..
Which is what every family wants their child to do, it's no different from my case as my late parents were well-respected adults during their time and I know my family wishes me to pursue further on my studies. The upside in doing so is that I will be able to extend my pension (I hope) until I finish my studies. Another upside is that the getting a job will require less stress as my portfolio would state that I am an accomplished degree graduate of (insert name of University). I would like to further my education and can't help but think all the experiences I would gain should I chose this decision. 2 problems though; 1) I have no idea what to pursue on, 2) Do I have the qualification to follow said course..Let me add a third one; which is if I have the finance to both pay for the course and to support myself if I were to choose the course. That's actually to things, but both falls under the "If I have enough money" problem.
I could travel..
It's nice, but unfortunately, I don't believe I have the resource (money) to support this decision. Well, if it's not money, I could just simple start walking and see where can I go from there, leave everything behind and head to wherever I want to go. If I chose this, however, I will be exploiting myself to all sorts of dangers and other life-threatening situations which a 20 year old like myself have no idea how to overcome or solve. I may seem quick on my feet, but I'm an impulsive loon who forgets easily. I have many doubts whether I could do such thing or not.
It is a sad thing for a 20 year like myself, still young and full of untapped potential, to tear myself. I mean, I know it's possible to do all three (well, normal traveling, not the globe-trotting, backpacking, hobo lifestyle travel), but to actually realize that vision is to have determination of steel and a clear, well-thought out plan to follow that determination. And at the moment, I have neither. Or 1/2 of said requirements. Ok, maybe neither is the real answer. I say this, but that does not mean I don't completely have no idea what I wanted to do in my life.
I want to make cartoons..
It's not animation i'm talking about. I want to be a plot writer or storyboard artist or whatever the occupation for writing cartoon is called. I want to make a story and turn it into a cartoon. I wanna make all sorts of cartoon that teaches kids,teenagers and adults about life lessons and to make them laugh, cry, giggle, mad, smile, hate, understand, cringe and remember all sorts of things, remind them all of the things about their own life experiences. Have them get all worked up on an episode just to get settle down by the next. I want to fill kids with imagination and hope that those kids will give life to those imagination even through adulthood. I want teenagers to understand that the world is too big to hate, but small enough to love. I want adults to allow themselves to be free from the shackle of boring routines and find the beauty of every little moments they spent with their love ones, because everything is temporary and the only thing immortal are the memories kept by others; stories one passed on from one generation to another to another families' generation and so on. Cartoons have a certain way on people. They can manifest one's fear into comedy while exploiting the facts of life towards themselves. Cartoons are able to poke on issues considered taboo and turn it into a catchy tune to remember the lessons. Cartoons can take all the nonsense in the world, all the feats that humans believe are considered "impossible" and turn it into a debate on how close to possible it truly is. I'm probably making it a wee too dramatic on how I see cartoons, but that is how I could only see it. Cartoons does not have to be truly logical. In fact, the best cartoons hardly are. Then again, some of those cartoons aren't so child-friendly either. Nonetheless, it's cartoons with oddest factors that leave behind the strongest impact.
I have written what seemed like a couple of weeks worth, but it has quelled my indecision on the course of my life. Although I am still lost, I am no longer awaiting till a sign has shown itself. For now, I'll flow, but as well, trudge through this pavement of indecisiveness and find course in life. I do not know when I'll find the answer and no idea how, but I'll keep on going. It is not a wall that will stop me, simply my lack of will.
Showing posts with label Idiot. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Idiot. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Monday, April 29, 2013
But, Yeah...
For a while now, I’ve suddenly acquired this train of thought of being both self-aware and still remain ignorant to myself. Since when have I gained such attitude? Why do I keep all these stuff to myself? I realized moments ago that what I’ve been doing with my life is nothing but a form of suicide. A slow, yet joyful way of suicide. I mean, everyone dies. One way or the other, it’ll come. But I live my life by pushing my body to the limit whilst enjoying the pleasures of life.
The saying “Live Life to the fullest” or “Life is a short ride, so live it full” or some crap of saying like that, I do not really know the main saying, but all I’m trying to elaborate is that I’m constantly cutting off my life span my ignoring the simple and smallest details of my life. Of course, instinct has helped me prevent from dying from hunger, avoiding dangerous areas and as well keeping my oxygen tank full. Well, it’s either instincts or luck. Either ways, I’m still alive, so I should start living. But I don’t know how to properly live it. There are to guides.. well there are guides, but you can’t tell whether it’ll lead you to the right path. Is there really a “right” or “wrong” path? Well, I guess talk of human trafficking and other shady, inhumane acts could be considered the “wrong” path. But that is the perspective of which the masses have labelled it. If the person who does it know it’s wrong themselves, why do they keep doing so? This is a question I’ve been asking myself for a while now.
I’m definitely killing myself slowly. Not like cutting myself or plans of jumping of a building. Ignoring what the body needs and feeding it what it wants. My body as well as my future is being played around like a fucking juggler on a tightrope riding a unicycle. If I’m lucky, I’ll be able to reached to the other side, maintaining my balance and still able to keep myself on track, but one of these days, I’ll mess up, fall of the tightrope and land hard. It'll either cripple me, rendering me useless for the remainders of my life or it’ll end me. Of course, there is a third possibility I could overcome such a misfortune and gain new found strength, determination and outlook to face life and truly live life to the fullest.
Is that what I’m hoping for? To slipped up. Damn, I must be some sort of masochist. I mean, what use is it to hope for something bad to befall upon me? Will I really gain something new from that? Cause that’s what’s called a gamble, and I suck in gambling. To gamble my life on the line in hopes I get new found….something (can’t find the word)….. I’ve already lost my parents. I’ve already missed opportunities. It’s a miracle I am able to go through high school and now I’m in college, already with a whole bunch of assignments either passed deadline or nearing deadline.
I’m a mess. Maybe that should be the title of my Autobiography, “I’m a Mess”… doesn’t really reflect who I am though, just…my situation. No, I am a mess, so I should start cleaning myself up. Rearrange things, but in the order which is acceptable to me in which I am able to manage. God forbids if I’ll be able to do so, and quickly. I have an arsenal of excuses ready at the top of my head, but no determination to let out cause I hate each time I do so. It’s a load of BULL!!.... maybe that could be my title..
If anyone is reading this other than myself, at least you get to know what’s making me tick. I know I show off my quirky attitude with the mix of oddness which cannot be found among the general population (well, like 1 in a mill…a bit narcissist there), but I always carry these questions in my head and swallow them straight to my heart..or my stomach and in which, gets release in a form of gas.
Foolishness and some word synonymous to genius but with a “ness” at the end, coincide each other like two sides of the same coin. I hesitate whether I should publish it or not, but for now, this little word document essay thingy will stay in my laptop. Feel free to read, but don’t mess with anything on this document. I need to reflect on myself and I need the feedbacks from my own perspective… that doesn’t sound grammatically correct, but yeah. “But, Yeah” sounds catchy enough as a movie title. Or a book title….
The saying “Live Life to the fullest” or “Life is a short ride, so live it full” or some crap of saying like that, I do not really know the main saying, but all I’m trying to elaborate is that I’m constantly cutting off my life span my ignoring the simple and smallest details of my life. Of course, instinct has helped me prevent from dying from hunger, avoiding dangerous areas and as well keeping my oxygen tank full. Well, it’s either instincts or luck. Either ways, I’m still alive, so I should start living. But I don’t know how to properly live it. There are to guides.. well there are guides, but you can’t tell whether it’ll lead you to the right path. Is there really a “right” or “wrong” path? Well, I guess talk of human trafficking and other shady, inhumane acts could be considered the “wrong” path. But that is the perspective of which the masses have labelled it. If the person who does it know it’s wrong themselves, why do they keep doing so? This is a question I’ve been asking myself for a while now.
I’m definitely killing myself slowly. Not like cutting myself or plans of jumping of a building. Ignoring what the body needs and feeding it what it wants. My body as well as my future is being played around like a fucking juggler on a tightrope riding a unicycle. If I’m lucky, I’ll be able to reached to the other side, maintaining my balance and still able to keep myself on track, but one of these days, I’ll mess up, fall of the tightrope and land hard. It'll either cripple me, rendering me useless for the remainders of my life or it’ll end me. Of course, there is a third possibility I could overcome such a misfortune and gain new found strength, determination and outlook to face life and truly live life to the fullest.
Is that what I’m hoping for? To slipped up. Damn, I must be some sort of masochist. I mean, what use is it to hope for something bad to befall upon me? Will I really gain something new from that? Cause that’s what’s called a gamble, and I suck in gambling. To gamble my life on the line in hopes I get new found….something (can’t find the word)….. I’ve already lost my parents. I’ve already missed opportunities. It’s a miracle I am able to go through high school and now I’m in college, already with a whole bunch of assignments either passed deadline or nearing deadline.
I’m a mess. Maybe that should be the title of my Autobiography, “I’m a Mess”… doesn’t really reflect who I am though, just…my situation. No, I am a mess, so I should start cleaning myself up. Rearrange things, but in the order which is acceptable to me in which I am able to manage. God forbids if I’ll be able to do so, and quickly. I have an arsenal of excuses ready at the top of my head, but no determination to let out cause I hate each time I do so. It’s a load of BULL!!.... maybe that could be my title..
If anyone is reading this other than myself, at least you get to know what’s making me tick. I know I show off my quirky attitude with the mix of oddness which cannot be found among the general population (well, like 1 in a mill…a bit narcissist there), but I always carry these questions in my head and swallow them straight to my heart..or my stomach and in which, gets release in a form of gas.
Foolishness and some word synonymous to genius but with a “ness” at the end, coincide each other like two sides of the same coin. I hesitate whether I should publish it or not, but for now, this little word document essay thingy will stay in my laptop. Feel free to read, but don’t mess with anything on this document. I need to reflect on myself and I need the feedbacks from my own perspective… that doesn’t sound grammatically correct, but yeah. “But, Yeah” sounds catchy enough as a movie title. Or a book title….
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Random updates and The rest
Before i begin, a few updates:
1. I got a haircut
2. I started college
3. it's 3.38 in the morning and i gotta get ready in 2-3 hours
4. You have just been updated
aaaand 5. started playing runescapes (again).
Now back to the random idiots anything but daily nonsense.
Boo... joking, i'm just bored a bit cause i got so many things to write about to the extent i just don't want to write about it at all. You feelin me? I just don't seem to get into the mood, the spirit of writing these random, but apparently clever, thoughts i..uhh..what's the word?......imagine? No no no...ummm.... ahhhh.. damn, lost it... DEVELOPED!! CREATED!!..... well something like that.
That random quotes or paragraphs is just like getting the perfect "snap" sound after practicing snapping for a certain period of time. Sometimes it gets that nice "SNAP" sound that you know sounds right.. AAAnnd sometimes it's those snaps that just feels weak.. you get wat i mean?
At this moment, today, this moment (wait, repeated myself there), i'm just not feeling it. I know i know, i'm not disappointing anyone, it's not like you guys follow this blog or something.. I mean look at the title of this blog!? JUST ANOTHER RANDOM IDIOT? What does that even mean!? Is that some sort of message pointing out to other bloggers that those bloggers are idiots as well? Is this blog trying to suggest that blogging is for idiots?
What do you guys thnk? And i'm pretty sure the "you guys" i'm talking about are me friends who sometimes just drop by me blog for a certain update of what they've just updated on.... ok, that didn't even completely sound write. Even in my head as i'm typing this right now doesn't sound right.... Why the hell did i choose now to type my blog? GOD i'm not thinking straight.
so, yeah...Idiot here signing off i guess..
P.s
Hopefully, a certain "someone" (yeah i'm talking about myself) in the right mind, would plan on deleting post. BUT, knowing that "someone" (still talking about myself), that person is gonna keep it here so that "person" (this actually refers to anyone...screw it, EVERYONE who reads this blog, including meself) will see this embarrassment of a post to see the side that "person" (....now i just don't care anymore) don't show cause he's too damn quiet about IT (woohoo, used the right "quiet" this time instead of typing "quite")....
p.p.s
it's now 4am and i still haven't slept yet... dear god...
p.p.P.s (woohoo, extra "p")
I know i'm actually ranting about my own blog and i'm the one who wrote down the blog's name and shit...soo yeah, i get that i'm thrashing me own trash..soooo yeah... cool? cool cool cool....
1. I got a haircut
2. I started college
3. it's 3.38 in the morning and i gotta get ready in 2-3 hours
4. You have just been updated
aaaand 5. started playing runescapes (again).
Now back to the random idiots anything but daily nonsense.
Boo... joking, i'm just bored a bit cause i got so many things to write about to the extent i just don't want to write about it at all. You feelin me? I just don't seem to get into the mood, the spirit of writing these random, but apparently clever, thoughts i..uhh..what's the word?......imagine? No no no...ummm.... ahhhh.. damn, lost it... DEVELOPED!! CREATED!!..... well something like that.
That random quotes or paragraphs is just like getting the perfect "snap" sound after practicing snapping for a certain period of time. Sometimes it gets that nice "SNAP" sound that you know sounds right.. AAAnnd sometimes it's those snaps that just feels weak.. you get wat i mean?
At this moment, today, this moment (wait, repeated myself there), i'm just not feeling it. I know i know, i'm not disappointing anyone, it's not like you guys follow this blog or something.. I mean look at the title of this blog!? JUST ANOTHER RANDOM IDIOT? What does that even mean!? Is that some sort of message pointing out to other bloggers that those bloggers are idiots as well? Is this blog trying to suggest that blogging is for idiots?
What do you guys thnk? And i'm pretty sure the "you guys" i'm talking about are me friends who sometimes just drop by me blog for a certain update of what they've just updated on.... ok, that didn't even completely sound write. Even in my head as i'm typing this right now doesn't sound right.... Why the hell did i choose now to type my blog? GOD i'm not thinking straight.
so, yeah...Idiot here signing off i guess..
P.s
Hopefully, a certain "someone" (yeah i'm talking about myself) in the right mind, would plan on deleting post. BUT, knowing that "someone" (still talking about myself), that person is gonna keep it here so that "person" (this actually refers to anyone...screw it, EVERYONE who reads this blog, including meself) will see this embarrassment of a post to see the side that "person" (....now i just don't care anymore) don't show cause he's too damn quiet about IT (woohoo, used the right "quiet" this time instead of typing "quite")....
p.p.s
it's now 4am and i still haven't slept yet... dear god...
p.p.P.s (woohoo, extra "p")
I know i'm actually ranting about my own blog and i'm the one who wrote down the blog's name and shit...soo yeah, i get that i'm thrashing me own trash..soooo yeah... cool? cool cool cool....
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Mirror
I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself "who is this man standing in front of me", no, better yet, "who am I?"...
The question i asked myself... about myself.. i know the answer. i know what to say and why... the only thing i could never go through is how... How.. Actually, that's not the real problem.. It's not how i say, it's more like, whether i could accept it or not..
For A LOOOONG time, i've been trying to find who i am... shouldn't i be happy for who i am now? I'm teenager.. I got friends, no parents (cept me step-mom), 3 brothers and a sister, 3 uncles and 2 aunts plus 1 grandma... I like games, books (fiction and psychology) and music... I'm interested in women and i'm willing to help a friend, despite the consequences (not exactly smart)..
I got mostly everything i need... but what more is there? Even with all this information about myself, i still wake up and look at the mirror, wondering who i am.. I'm not faking anything.. I'm me all the time.. what which part of me is real? The me at school... the me at home...
I have never found anything that tells me, "This is where i should be.. This was why i was born..."
but many people have not found that either... that "feeling" is what i like to call it...
Most of the times.. i just lay awake, telling myself if i'm even alive.. but never bothered to answer.. those type of questions just hurts my head to the point of me throwing up (sorry to say)..
"Sigh" was one of the only post which showed the real me... angry.. sad.. frustrated yet grateful.. happy... glad.. All of which molded into one teenager's rambling about his friends and family..
This is all boring, i know, i would get bored of this myself.. But it just gotta get out, y'kno? You just gotta that something out before it gets the best of you... I talk a lot and i know i can, but i can't cause i won't.. my tongue, i hold, before i speak because i can't speak well.. my voice can't be heard properly (just ask my friends).. but that never stopped me from trying..
I don't know what this post is about or what i'm trying to say, but all this is just something i want to say... I might know what this post about actually, and i might know what i'm trying to say, but i don't... not at the moment.. This post's title is Mirror.. so that could only mean i'm talking about something related to a mirror.. Ask yourself, just once, Who is that person in the mirror.... and Why?
I could already predict a certain friend of mine's answer, which is "I'm me, because i am"... that girl is an independent women, at the same time she's a child.. It's a paradox, but that why i love her (as a friend, no romantic feelings involve, thank you very much.. please don't misunderstand)... but i'm no psychic, so i don't REALLY know what she would say.. just ask yourself...
Who are you? And Why?
The question i asked myself... about myself.. i know the answer. i know what to say and why... the only thing i could never go through is how... How.. Actually, that's not the real problem.. It's not how i say, it's more like, whether i could accept it or not..
For A LOOOONG time, i've been trying to find who i am... shouldn't i be happy for who i am now? I'm teenager.. I got friends, no parents (cept me step-mom), 3 brothers and a sister, 3 uncles and 2 aunts plus 1 grandma... I like games, books (fiction and psychology) and music... I'm interested in women and i'm willing to help a friend, despite the consequences (not exactly smart)..
I got mostly everything i need... but what more is there? Even with all this information about myself, i still wake up and look at the mirror, wondering who i am.. I'm not faking anything.. I'm me all the time.. what which part of me is real? The me at school... the me at home...
I have never found anything that tells me, "This is where i should be.. This was why i was born..."
but many people have not found that either... that "feeling" is what i like to call it...
Most of the times.. i just lay awake, telling myself if i'm even alive.. but never bothered to answer.. those type of questions just hurts my head to the point of me throwing up (sorry to say)..
"Sigh" was one of the only post which showed the real me... angry.. sad.. frustrated yet grateful.. happy... glad.. All of which molded into one teenager's rambling about his friends and family..
This is all boring, i know, i would get bored of this myself.. But it just gotta get out, y'kno? You just gotta that something out before it gets the best of you... I talk a lot and i know i can, but i can't cause i won't.. my tongue, i hold, before i speak because i can't speak well.. my voice can't be heard properly (just ask my friends).. but that never stopped me from trying..
I don't know what this post is about or what i'm trying to say, but all this is just something i want to say... I might know what this post about actually, and i might know what i'm trying to say, but i don't... not at the moment.. This post's title is Mirror.. so that could only mean i'm talking about something related to a mirror.. Ask yourself, just once, Who is that person in the mirror.... and Why?
I could already predict a certain friend of mine's answer, which is "I'm me, because i am"... that girl is an independent women, at the same time she's a child.. It's a paradox, but that why i love her (as a friend, no romantic feelings involve, thank you very much.. please don't misunderstand)... but i'm no psychic, so i don't REALLY know what she would say.. just ask yourself...
Who are you? And Why?
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