But, Yeah...

For a while now, I’ve suddenly acquired this train of thought of being both self-aware and still remain ignorant to myself. Since when have I gained such attitude? Why do I keep all these stuff to myself? I realized moments ago that what I’ve been doing with my life is nothing but a form of suicide. A slow, yet joyful way of suicide. I mean, everyone dies. One way or the other, it’ll come. But I live my life by pushing my body to the limit whilst enjoying the pleasures of life.

The saying “Live Life to the fullest” or “Life is a short ride, so live it full” or some crap of saying like that, I do not really know the main saying, but all I’m trying to elaborate is that I’m constantly cutting off my life span my ignoring the simple and smallest details of my life. Of course, instinct has helped me prevent from dying from hunger, avoiding dangerous areas and as well keeping my oxygen tank full. Well, it’s either instincts or luck. Either ways, I’m still alive, so I should start living. But I don’t know how to properly live it. There are to guides.. well there are guides, but you can’t tell whether it’ll lead you to the right path. Is there really a “right” or “wrong” path? Well, I guess talk of human trafficking and other shady, inhumane acts could be considered the “wrong” path. But that is the perspective of which the masses have labelled it. If the person who does it know it’s wrong themselves, why do they keep doing so? This is a question I’ve been asking myself for a while now.

I’m definitely killing myself slowly. Not like cutting myself or plans of jumping of a building. Ignoring what the body needs and feeding it what it wants. My body as well as my future is being played around like a fucking juggler on a tightrope riding a unicycle. If I’m lucky, I’ll be able to reached to the other side, maintaining my balance and still able to keep myself on track, but one of these days, I’ll mess up, fall of the tightrope and land hard. It'll either cripple me, rendering me useless for the remainders of my life or it’ll end me. Of course, there is a third possibility I could overcome such a misfortune and gain new found strength, determination and outlook to face life and truly live life to the fullest.

Is that what I’m hoping for? To slipped up. Damn, I must be some sort of masochist. I mean, what use is it to hope for something bad to befall upon me? Will I really gain something new from that? Cause that’s what’s called a gamble, and I suck in gambling. To gamble my life on the line in hopes I get new found….something (can’t find the word)….. I’ve already lost my parents. I’ve already missed opportunities. It’s a miracle I am able to go through high school and now I’m in college, already with a whole bunch of assignments either passed deadline or nearing deadline.

I’m a mess. Maybe that should be the title of my Autobiography, “I’m a Mess”… doesn’t really reflect who I am though, just…my situation. No, I am a mess, so I should start cleaning myself up. Rearrange things, but in the order which is acceptable to me in which I am able to manage. God forbids if I’ll be able to do so, and quickly. I have an arsenal of excuses ready at the top of my head, but no determination to let out cause I hate each time I do so. It’s a load of BULL!!.... maybe that could be my title..

If anyone is reading this other than myself, at least you get to know what’s making me tick. I know I show off my quirky attitude with the mix of oddness which cannot be found among the general population (well, like 1 in a mill…a bit narcissist there), but I always carry these questions in my head and swallow them straight to my heart..or my stomach and in which, gets release in a form of gas.

Foolishness and some word synonymous to genius but with a “ness” at the end, coincide each other like two sides of the same coin. I hesitate whether I should publish it or not, but for now, this little word document essay thingy will stay in my laptop. Feel free to read, but don’t mess with anything on this document. I need to reflect on myself and I need the feedbacks from my own perspective… that doesn’t sound grammatically correct, but yeah. “But, Yeah” sounds catchy enough as a movie title. Or a book title….

Mirror

I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself "who is this man standing in front of me", no, better yet, "who am I?"...

The question i asked myself... about myself.. i know the answer. i know what to say and why... the only thing i could never go through is how... How.. Actually, that's not the real problem.. It's not how i say, it's more like, whether i could accept it or not..

For A LOOOONG time, i've been trying to find who i am... shouldn't i be happy for who i am now? I'm teenager.. I got friends, no parents (cept me step-mom), 3 brothers and a sister, 3 uncles and 2 aunts plus 1 grandma... I like games, books (fiction and psychology) and music... I'm interested in women and i'm willing to help a friend, despite the consequences (not exactly smart)..

I got mostly everything i need... but what more is there? Even with all this information about myself, i still wake up and look at the mirror, wondering who i am.. I'm not faking anything.. I'm me all the time.. what which part of me is real? The me at school... the me at home...

I have never found anything that tells me, "This is where i should be.. This was why i was born..."

but many people have not found that either... that "feeling" is what i like to call it...

Most of the times.. i just lay awake, telling myself if i'm even alive.. but never bothered to answer.. those type of questions just hurts my head to the point of me throwing up (sorry to say)..

"Sigh" was one of the only post which showed the real me... angry.. sad.. frustrated yet grateful.. happy... glad.. All of which molded into one teenager's rambling about his friends and family..

This is all boring, i know, i would get bored of this myself.. But it just gotta get out, y'kno? You just gotta that something out before it gets the best of you... I talk a lot and i know i can, but i can't cause i won't.. my tongue, i hold, before i speak because i can't speak well.. my voice can't be heard properly (just ask my friends).. but that never stopped me from trying..

I don't know what this post is about or what i'm trying to say, but all this is just something i want to say... I might know what this post about actually, and i might know what i'm trying to say, but i don't... not at the moment.. This post's title is Mirror.. so that could only mean i'm talking about something related to a mirror.. Ask yourself, just once, Who is that person in the mirror.... and Why?

I could already predict a certain friend of mine's answer, which is "I'm me, because i am"... that girl is an independent women, at the same time she's a child.. It's a paradox, but that why i love her (as a friend, no romantic feelings involve, thank you very much.. please don't misunderstand)... but i'm no psychic, so i don't REALLY know what she would say.. just ask yourself...

Who are you? And Why?