But, Yeah...

For a while now, I’ve suddenly acquired this train of thought of being both self-aware and still remain ignorant to myself. Since when have I gained such attitude? Why do I keep all these stuff to myself? I realized moments ago that what I’ve been doing with my life is nothing but a form of suicide. A slow, yet joyful way of suicide. I mean, everyone dies. One way or the other, it’ll come. But I live my life by pushing my body to the limit whilst enjoying the pleasures of life.

The saying “Live Life to the fullest” or “Life is a short ride, so live it full” or some crap of saying like that, I do not really know the main saying, but all I’m trying to elaborate is that I’m constantly cutting off my life span my ignoring the simple and smallest details of my life. Of course, instinct has helped me prevent from dying from hunger, avoiding dangerous areas and as well keeping my oxygen tank full. Well, it’s either instincts or luck. Either ways, I’m still alive, so I should start living. But I don’t know how to properly live it. There are to guides.. well there are guides, but you can’t tell whether it’ll lead you to the right path. Is there really a “right” or “wrong” path? Well, I guess talk of human trafficking and other shady, inhumane acts could be considered the “wrong” path. But that is the perspective of which the masses have labelled it. If the person who does it know it’s wrong themselves, why do they keep doing so? This is a question I’ve been asking myself for a while now.

I’m definitely killing myself slowly. Not like cutting myself or plans of jumping of a building. Ignoring what the body needs and feeding it what it wants. My body as well as my future is being played around like a fucking juggler on a tightrope riding a unicycle. If I’m lucky, I’ll be able to reached to the other side, maintaining my balance and still able to keep myself on track, but one of these days, I’ll mess up, fall of the tightrope and land hard. It'll either cripple me, rendering me useless for the remainders of my life or it’ll end me. Of course, there is a third possibility I could overcome such a misfortune and gain new found strength, determination and outlook to face life and truly live life to the fullest.

Is that what I’m hoping for? To slipped up. Damn, I must be some sort of masochist. I mean, what use is it to hope for something bad to befall upon me? Will I really gain something new from that? Cause that’s what’s called a gamble, and I suck in gambling. To gamble my life on the line in hopes I get new found….something (can’t find the word)….. I’ve already lost my parents. I’ve already missed opportunities. It’s a miracle I am able to go through high school and now I’m in college, already with a whole bunch of assignments either passed deadline or nearing deadline.

I’m a mess. Maybe that should be the title of my Autobiography, “I’m a Mess”… doesn’t really reflect who I am though, just…my situation. No, I am a mess, so I should start cleaning myself up. Rearrange things, but in the order which is acceptable to me in which I am able to manage. God forbids if I’ll be able to do so, and quickly. I have an arsenal of excuses ready at the top of my head, but no determination to let out cause I hate each time I do so. It’s a load of BULL!!.... maybe that could be my title..

If anyone is reading this other than myself, at least you get to know what’s making me tick. I know I show off my quirky attitude with the mix of oddness which cannot be found among the general population (well, like 1 in a mill…a bit narcissist there), but I always carry these questions in my head and swallow them straight to my heart..or my stomach and in which, gets release in a form of gas.

Foolishness and some word synonymous to genius but with a “ness” at the end, coincide each other like two sides of the same coin. I hesitate whether I should publish it or not, but for now, this little word document essay thingy will stay in my laptop. Feel free to read, but don’t mess with anything on this document. I need to reflect on myself and I need the feedbacks from my own perspective… that doesn’t sound grammatically correct, but yeah. “But, Yeah” sounds catchy enough as a movie title. Or a book title….

FINALLY!! It comes... the story i mean...

Well, It finally comes! You guys (whoever you are) have been patient with me for months now after i repeatedly say that i was gonna talk about them... WELL, I'm gonna let it out now... THE TRUTH!! THE PAIN AND THE STORY ABOUT ME ULTIMATE CRUSH (so far... who knows when i'm gonna have another one)!!!!

OK, we'll go with No.3 first since hers will be quicker..
Now, how should i start?
Ah, Here we go..
It was perhaps love at first sight....(stole this from me trial paper..never mind). Her name was Nur Amira Ibrahim(i think.. didn't payed much attention to the last part) and she was my third crush. How did we meet.. well, we were in the same class, and apparently falling for her was inevitable... even one my friends fell for her, and he was the religious one (not that it matters). So yeah... i got to know her and got comfortable with her, but i didn't act like how i would normally act like.. i was crazy for this girl to the point i actually swallowed down plastic just to impress her(didn't do shit, just made her think i was some sort of nut). Yeah, i was head over heels for her.. Till the fateful trip to Langkawi on which i heard from me friend that she was goin out with someone.... yeah, that totally just tore my heart out... I was soooooo STUPID to think i could go out with a girl like her... but i gotta try... After that, i tried confessing to her (which failed) and tried to forget her.. but that never happened till i heard she split with her boyfriend.. as soon as i heard about that, well, i felt happy, not cause she was single (and if ur reading this, i'm really sorry i was happy for ur break-up, not that i was, i was to hear about it and yeah.... I wasn't happy, that came out wrong, more like i wasn't happy for ur break-up... just i felt.. lighter.. yeah), but instantly at that moment..i just got over her.. half a month later, i met her again it felt great talking to her like a friend would..
SO that pretty much the story of mira.. besides the nicknames i always called her by (thought it was stupid and never did it again...), i left nothing out..

But now goes the story of one of my greatest, most painful crushes of all.... next time.... HAHHAHAHAHAH, THOUGHT I WOULD TELL U, WELL SUCK IT!! AHHAAHHAA... ahem.... sorry...

Story continues once the problem is sorted out.. waht problem... no fuckin idea, just know there's a problem and gotta sort it out first before me mind could write properly... anyways

ADIEU BITCHES~

1,2,3,4....5?

Everyone has someone they had a crush on. Whether it's your childhood friend.. ur friend's sister... some girl at school.. OR A FUCKIN CELEBRITY!!! but that does not erase the fact that that person is the one that makes ur heart BEAT like a speed-metal drummer, with each thump earning to be closer to the person.. Crushes hurt, that's why they call it a CRUSH!!!! GET IT! HAHAHA..... lame.... yeah, crushes hurt, and through out my whole life... there have been 4 girls that made my heart yearn to be close to them.... to be around them... and i will talk about them.... IN ANOTHER POST!! HAAHAAHAAAHAAHHA!!! You thought i would say it NOW!!! well, was planning to... BUT! I feel like this way is a lot more fun... SO STAY TUNE FOLKS! This random idiot will post it depending on his mode... oh and he will can post it best when he's in a bad mode....... LIKE SHIT MODE~

SAYOZZZ B's!!